On the blessings of family and friends

When I was in college, to fulfill a history credit, I took a class on Native Americans. On the required reading list was a book called Waterlily. Written by a woman of Native American heritage, it was about the sociology of a Native American tribe as she was able to piece together from personal knowledge and professional study in a fictional story form. It is very unique as it is told from the perspective of a young girl, and not a chief or medicine man. In my post-mother loss brain, one theme that stood out to me was the role of family and friends in this society. In the beginning a character is ‘adopted’ by people of a different tribe after she is found wandering on the prairie, her family had been all killed in a raid. All of the necessary roles were filled by generous people- brothers, aunts, cousins, who provided the girl with housing, food and clothing. Later after she had married, there was an explanation of normal family life; brothers, sisters, grandparents all had their homes next to each other, and all of the adults in this family circle claimed responsibility equally for all of the children in the group. A child would as easily go to their aunt for lunch or caregiving as their own mother. Every child could say “I have nothing to fear, for I have relatives.”

What a wonderful thing, I thought; none of these children would have to fear the loss of a parent, because they were comfortable getting care from others. I was in the midst of finding such resources myself- I learned early and well to go to others for things that my own mother would have assisted me with. At the time I thought sorrowfully that it was too bad our own society did not have such a fallback plan in place- independence and individuality seemed to be the ideal.

Enter my current situation, and I have re-evaluated that thought. When I read about Dr. Kays and realized he was in Florida, I immediately thought that Ruth and Dan would take Arwen for the duration of our stay there- I did not even question they would not be willing. From all of our other friends and family, we have also had such a great outpouring of support and offers of help of all kinds- and although we have not taken advantage of all of them, just the knowledge that all of this is available makes us feel stronger. At least in our case, it seems that we have the support to rival that of Waterlily’s society.

This is unbelievably important to me on so many levels. One thought, that many may consider morbid, is that I am acutely aware of how old I am compared to my mother when she died. I am ten years younger than she was when she died at age 42. If I died at 42, Arwen would only be 14, and Anya would be 10. This is not something I think about all of the time, but it does occasionally surface, and from what I have read, it is pretty normal for a woman who lost her mother early.

Then I think about all the people who surround our family. Arwen and Anya have four aunts, one uncle, so far, and of course my in-laws. There are all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and Adam’s aunts, uncles and cousins. Then there all of the friends of my parents, who are like aunts and uncles to me and Arwen already. With this army of people, I rest easy that nothing will ever happen to my children that will not be handled by somebody, in case I am not here for it.

Do I think I am going to die young? No, not really, but I am aware of how precarious life can be, how we can never really count on anything for sure, and in this awful, terrible, no-good, life questioning, despair filled situation we find ourselves, I find strength in the masses of people who are so supportive. It is good to have no fear, for I have relatives.