Preparing for battle

My husband’s grandpa was a tail gunner in the Pacific Theater in World War II. When I learned this, it really surprised me. I found it difficult to imagine this sweet, kind man who raised eight children and prayed the rosary with his wife of 50 years everyday shooting people, knowing that his actions would kill people. Worse I suppose would be the knowledge that the people on the other side were doing the same thing, kill or be killed. The idea of being in a battle has always fascinated me, how could people bring themselves to be in a situation where more than likely they would die? I often admitted to myself that I would run, that I was a coward.

Not to say this situation is comparable to facing your death in battle, but there are some similarities. Many have said to me that they don’t know how I am coping with Anya’s diagnosis. My response is that this is where I live now; it is my reality. How do people cope who were directly affected by 9/11, by Katrina, by abusive husbands? You either decide to live or to die, and it is harder to die. I wonder if that is the same mentality that needs to happen before battle: a combination of inevitability, confidence that you have prepared the best you can, and the knowledge that no matter how terrible the outcome, this too shall pass. I am dreading the time in the NICU, I don’t think there is any way to prepare for it; everyone who knows says it is one of those things you take an hour at a time, changes can happen so quickly. I am thankful for a peace that has settled over me recently, I need to save my energy for the future.

Right now I am taking comfort in all the things that are going right: my ultrasound on Monday looked good, she is 4lbs 3oz, there is no excess amniotic fluid, and there are so signs of hydrops in Anya. Her weight is a significant milestone to me, because now she is large enough to be a candidate for ECMO, any smaller than 4lbs and the cannulas will not fit. I do not anticipate she will come this early, but is nice to know we have come to this point already; her growth is right on track. The ultrasound OB felt that since there have not been any excess fluid or hydrops yet the chances of it showing up are pretty slim. As I write this Anya is intent on finding a way to get into my lungs, while simultaneously pushing on my bladder. She is a strong little sucker and I hope she can hold on to that after she is born!

My next ultrasound is on June 4^th, which is the same week we will be driving down to Florida! Less than four weeks!